It’s very rare – Kim K writing haikus rare – that we see a new grooming product in GQ land that we’ve never encountered before.
It was therefore that the GL Skinfit Formula One Manhood Vitamin raised a few eyebrows around the office.
You see, the OMV, touts itself as “100 per cent natural penis healthcare” and the pack consists of 30 capsules that are not to be taken orally but applied topically.
Here’s what’s promised on the pack: “Active, vital, healthy penis skin. Relieve symptoms of dry, itchy or irritated penile skin. Revive the look and feel of penile skin and even skin tone. Stimulate circulation and penile sensitivity”.
Like you, we have questions. Many, many questions. For a start, of all the regions of the male body, the nethers don’t tend to miss out on the application of unguents, creams and the like. I for one at 50 have the scrotum of a 20-year-old. I was moisturising down there way before these formulations came anywhere near my face. You know what I’m saying. It’s no stretch.
Still though, I was gripped with a fear never before encountered. Up until now, I’d never wondered whether my cock complexion was up to scratch. It did what it was designed to, was hard-wearing and reliable. What more could you want? The answer to that question is apparently skin that is “vital” and “healthy” but definitely not experiencing reduced elasticity.
According to noted beauty expert Gregory Landsman – who is quoted on the packaging - the time had come to “fuel your manhood with 11 skin-strengthening vitamins and minerals to keep it stronger for longer!” The exclamation is his.
Who could possibly resist such an offer? Carefully following the packet instructions to “pierce the top of the ampoule and slowly squeeze the oil-based formula onto entire penis and scrotums” – yes scrotums – I prepared for a genital transformation that would make Caitlyn Jenner proud.
You may be able to tell from the tone of this piece, that the GQ test body was somewhat cynical about this product. HOW. WRONG. WE. WERE. This was nothing short of a one-eyed face lift. It was like he’d just spent two weeks in a spa in Cabo.
There was a definite improvement in texture and a certain joie de vivre that I didn’t know was lacking until now. My (poor) partner even used the word “silky” when pressed reluctantly into a before and after test. One capsule down, just 29 to go.
For more information, go to getskinfit.com